Getting you up to date...

So, even though this is a little late, all is well with all of my parts...(in reference to previous post). :) The doctor said that everything looks perfect and decided to change my birth control. That has taken care of the problem, believe it or not. So after that really long emotional post about everything I was worried about....here is a short one letting you know all is well. I did learn a lot through the process though, and I am thankful for that.

Thank you God for healthy parts. Amen.

honesty

So it has been a while since I have blogged. I am kind of going through my own personal struggle right now with my two ovaries. (and I know that is kind personal, but its not like a private part or anything). They have been deciding to act up right now, my ovaries that is, and I have to have a diagnostic laparoscopy on Friday. Basically the doctor has to go in and see what the deal is. I have been in a lot of pain the last few weeks and it has really affected my life a lot more that I would like to admit. Emotionally and physically. Physically, well, I am in pain. It hurts to stand up, and I teach all day, so that is not a good combo. And emotionally, I am just worn out because I have been thinking about "this" so much. It's always on my mind. What will they find? What is going on? Why am I hurting so bad? Can I have children? How does God want me to respond to this? And on and on and on. So the reason I titled todays post Honesty is because I was really impacted by a testimony a few weeks ago in church that was full of a lot of honesty. This girl had some physical struggles and she talked about in her testimony how she would confess her fears to God at night. That really impacted me. I haven't been doing that with what I have been going through. I have been trying to hold it together and be tough, but on the inside I am scared. And I just loved how this particular girl talked about pouring her heart and fears out to God, handing them over to Him. So today I am confessing that I am a little scared. Well, maybe a little more than a little. I don't know what is going on with my Egg Mansions (that is code for ovaries for those of you who don't know your anatomy). And I more scared about the road ahead, of what they might find, blah blah blah. Surgery doesn't scare me, for whatever reason. But the rest of this situation does. So that is that. I confess. I am scared. I am not superwoman and I don't have it all together right now.

But to shift my thoughts, I am walking through all of this with two pretty amazing guys. The first being God, who gently comforts me when I find myself crying or worn out or defeated. Although I want to be strong, He tells me to come to him, Courtney who is weary and He will give me rest. The second of the pretty amazing guys is Cody, my husband and best friend. And I don't just say best friend because it sounds so cool to say that. He really is my best friend. I am so in awe that God let me be the one that Cody loves. He has been absolutely great to me, basically since we started our journey together, but particularly in the past few weeks with all that is going on with me. At night when my thoughts are racing and there is no more conversation or music to drown them out, laying next to him in bed with his arms around me gives me the most peace I feel like I could possibly feel here on earth. He's my life mate. I am so thankful for him and for his life. He makes me laugh a lot right now, a lot. Cody always is pretty funny when we are together, but I know he has been working harder to lighten things up and just have fun with me. It's great.

So I will keep you posted on the surgery results. I might even have pictures. But I won't share them over this blog. Probably for some of you, it may be disturbing that I am even talking about my ovaries. Pictures might just send you over the edge. :)

Keep this in mind the next time your heart is scared. Just tell Him about it. And don't wait as long as I did.


"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28 NIV

Mexican Food Fanatic

So I love mexican food. Anyone who knows me or spends a decent amount of time with me knows that I could eat mexican food all the time. No seriously, I could have it ALL the time. Here's proof. I made mexican rice and beans the other night and have had left overs. I love putting them in tortillas with sour cream and corn chips. Yummy. Well, because I had left overs, I thought I would take that for lunch on Monday. And Tuesday. And Wednesday. And Thursday. And today, Friday. One would predict that eating the same meal for lunch each day could get old. Not when it comes to me and mexican food. Delicious. Or as they say in mexico...Delicioso!!!

I choose Joy

So I am in a bible study right now on Sunday nights and it's on the book of Daniel. Beth Moore is leading the study via video. She does a really good job actually. Last week during our homework, there was a phrase that caught my attention (and I can't remember what it was in reference to) but the phrase was, "I choose joy." So then during the bible study, my friend Tracy, who I am so thankful for, told me that she really liked that part of the homework. We talked briefly about it and then just moved on. Well, all week, Tracy has been saying to me, "I choose joy." At the beginning of the week, I would laugh and acknowledge it, because it would usually be after something annoying happened. But then, the more and more she said it and the more I heard it, I really thought about the power of my perspective. I can find something every single day to get upset about, because there will always be crappy things that happen. And I don't say that to be negative, I just say that as fact. So some days are going to present me with circumstances that I just can't stand. Now, ideally, I would like to committ that in ALL circumstances, I automatically say to myself, "I choose joy" and then just move on. But let's be honest, that is not always going to happen. Some things are going to be a big deal and require my attention and thoughts and stewing about it and talking to Cody about it and going on and on until it resolves in my mind. But what about the little things? The little moments that rub me the wrong way that make no difference for my life or day, they just annoy me.....what if I just started choosing joy? Choosing to let go of those little annoyances that can ruin a mood, a day, a conversation, and move on. And on that note....I don't think that joy is jumping around the room with bells on, it's a deep contentment and acceptance of what's going on. I think joy is your state of mind and knowing a realization that God holds you in his hands. So if that is the case....then I am going to try with the big things too. Choose joy. I am really bad about getting upset quickly and then making drastic statements that are really unncessary and most likely a lot on the rude side. I'll have to go back and look at the context of the homework to see what Beth Moore was talking about with choosing joy. But for now, it's my committment to be better at chilling out. I'm choosing joy.

Sharing

So when you are married, you share a lot of things. Thoughts, feelings, the bed, closet space, toothpaste, pillows, time, money...you get the point. This last week Cody has been battling a cold/cough combo. But I have managed to stay feeling good. We have been pretty diligent about taking vitamin C and resting. Blah blah blah. But somehow, somewhere in all the sharing that goes on, Cody shared his germs with me. :( I feel like crap tonight. I am off to bed with Tylenol Cold Nighttime. And even though I am a tad bit upset with him for getting me sick, I love being his wife so much so I really don't care. He's the best. I am so excited to share the rest of my life with him.

For real this time...

Ok, so I think I am going to blog consistently for real this time. I discovered recently that the only reason I am not blogging is because I might possibly (and probably) be judged by those who read it. Kind of embarrassing to admit. But it's true. And maybe I feel that way because I have heard people be judgemental about blogs (even an instance just today), or maybe I feel that way because I know that I struggle with being judgemental. I don't know the reason, but I know I struggle with what other people think. But the thing is, what other people think about me doesn't change who I am. So if someone "thinks" certain things that aren't true about me, it doesn't make them true just because they think it. (kind of a long sentence, but you get the point.) If that were the case, then I would just love to think that I had a million dollars in my bank account and have it be true. But no matter how much I think it or tell it to others, it doesn't change the dollar amount of my bank account. So I am going to be brave and blog. And I don't want to blog for any other reason than to sort things out that are in my mind. Sometimes I feel like I miss out on things because a thought or a realization is sucked into my mind and hidden forever by busy schedules, weariness, conflict, etc. So to avoid that, I want to take time to blog and reflect, to capture in writing, the thoughts and feelings that make me Courtney. We'll see how it goes. And even though I wouldn't want anything I blog about to be controversial or disturbing to others, I am prepared that my feelings and honest thoughts may be offensive simply because so many people (like myself) work so hard to cover up the inside of ourselves and live so that others may only see a pretty outside. So raw feelings become wrong, when really, they are just how we feel and things we need to work through. Inside out. I want the inside of me to be out. No matter how it looks, feels, tastes, smells or sounds. (I think that's all the senses). My Nana used to journal everyday about her family, feelings, thoughts, prayers, etc. I wonder how that must have helped her manage things. Honestly expressing herself on paper. And I also wonder if she worried about what she wrote. Probably not. She just wrote. She was Nana. She talked about her kids, her marriage, her life. So in 2007, my journal looks a little different; it's a laptop. I don't use a pen, I use a keyboard. And the paper is this blogspot. But the purpose is most like the same as what my Nana used to do. Reflection. Rejoicing. Times of sadness. Tangled thoughts. Funny moments. They will all be here.

djgakfdghlksjhfdkfjasdkfjalsdkjfa;slkdf;asdlkjf (my mind right now)

So everyone is bugging me to blog. I know that a blog is a place that you can sort out all of your feelings, so right now in my life, I really do have a need to blog. But for some reason, I feel like I can’t blog when I have so much on my mind. Kind of ironic, don’t you think? The very thing that could help to clear my mind (blogging) is actually something I feel like I can’t do when I have a lot on my mind. Oh well.

SO what is going on with Courtney? Well, in 5 days, Cody and I are taking a week long trip to Nashville, TN. Cody graduates from Full Sail in a month and we are trying to prepare for the next step. Nashville has a lot to offer in the music industry. But lots of the jobs start out as unpaid. So that’s a bummer. But we are going to see if Nashville is all that it is cracked up to be. Cody is going to be interviewing with several people at record labels during the week that we are there. I am planning on selling Premier as my full time job if we move to Nashville, so I am not doing any interviewing. So that’s one part of our brain right now, Nashville. The other part is here in Orlando. Cody has an interview today at 2 pm for a company in Celebration, FL. That’s right, FL. “But I thought you were moving to Nashville?” you might say. Well, that was the plan until jobs here started opening up. And we just still may move. But we are also looking at opportunities here in FL. This is why my mind is so jumbled. I am literally living in two different worlds. Planning for Nashville by looking at places to live, jobs for Cody, making contacts with Permier. Planning to stay in Orlando by keeping my teaching position open and Cody interviewing here. It’s a lot right now. I had no idea it would be this hard. The whole process of being at a place in your life where you get to choose something new and different is really taxing on the mind. I feel like my eyes are blurred because they are trying to look in two different directions and for the time being, nothing is coming into focus.

Hopefully after our trip to Nashville next week and his interview today, we can conclusively decide to stay or move. Hopefully. We might not know until the very moment before we move, or stay.

So what is the most important thing to me about this next step? Well, it all has to do with Cody. He has been working really hard at school and earning his degrees from Full Sail. I want this next time of our lives to be a time where Cody and bear some fruits of all his hard work. I want him to be fulfilled at what he chooses to do. I want him to be appreciated and valued at his place of work. This has been a hard road for him at Full Sail. There are tough classes and tough schedules. But he has done it and done it really well. Wherever we choose to go and whatever it all looks like, I really want Cody to feel personal fulfillment and satisfaction for all the hard work and long hours. I know that if I am with him, I will be fulfilled. I am fine with teaching here in Orlando or selling Premier in Nashville.

Well, there’s my blog. More to follow. It feels good to get it all out. Duh.

Adam

I got to spend time with my brother Adam tonight. He lives in Tallahassee right now and he is home for the weekend. We cooked dinner together tonight for my parents. He made amazing shrimp. It was really good. I love being with him. I have missed him a lot since he left for college. He is really funny and just plain crazy. He is always doing something off the wall with no rhyme or reason, but just because he is Adam. Oh yeah, and he is really cute. He cut his hair like a mowhawk and it's great.

I miss Cody

Today I only saw Cody today for a sum total of maybe 30 minutes. We each had different things to do today and our paths didn't cross. I miss him a lot. He is on his way home from a concert and I am waiting up to see him. I am tired but I really want to see him. I love him.

185 Minutes

What, oh what could I mean by 185 minutes?

Is it the time it takes to go to Curryville? Nope.
Is it the time it takes Cody to take a shower? Nope.
Is it the time it takes me to clean the kitchen? Definately not.

It's none of these.

It IS the time I had my students in my class today WITHOUT A BREAK. Yep, 3 hours and 5 minutes without a break. Just me, my classroom and 20 first grades. And for those of you who are wondering...that's a long time.

It's not usually like that. There is usually a break in the afternoon when the kids go to music or p.e. or something. But not today. 11:45 a.m. until 2:50 p.m. It was just us. I honestly don't know if I could teach if it was like that everyday.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. A short day and....a normal schedule.

Oh Can't you See What Love Has Done?

This is my new and first blog. I have watched my sister blog for a long time and she is my inspiration to start this. I envy how she can take her thoughts and articulate them so well in her blog. This is my attempt to do the same.

The title of my blog is Oh Can't You See What Love Has Done? I can't explain it all right now (and I wouldn't want to because that's what this blog is for) but love has truly changed my life. The love of Christ, the love of my husband, the love of my sister and her husband. I have experienced God's love and grace in a totally new and freeing way. It's been "a gracious awakening". Through this awakening, I am discovering a new reality, which reveals things that are pleasant and a few that aren't so pleasant. I am learning to be ok with my reality. All too often life, the church, our egos, all of the above can force me to sugar coat my reality into something it isn't. Well, then it's not reality anymore is it now? And by reality, I am not just talking about one thing. I am meaning my whole self, my situations, my thoughts, my fears, everything. The reality of Courtney. And I am learning that what's real in my life is what God is wanting me to experience and embrace. If I make poor attempts to cover up what's really going on, or who I really am, then I am missing out on the life and freedom Christ intends for me. So being real is my goal in this blog. It's a big step for me. I am not just now learning this in my life, but I am just now writing about it. It's been a process that has slowly been unfolding in me. Now it's time for me to share.