For real this time...

Ok, so I think I am going to blog consistently for real this time. I discovered recently that the only reason I am not blogging is because I might possibly (and probably) be judged by those who read it. Kind of embarrassing to admit. But it's true. And maybe I feel that way because I have heard people be judgemental about blogs (even an instance just today), or maybe I feel that way because I know that I struggle with being judgemental. I don't know the reason, but I know I struggle with what other people think. But the thing is, what other people think about me doesn't change who I am. So if someone "thinks" certain things that aren't true about me, it doesn't make them true just because they think it. (kind of a long sentence, but you get the point.) If that were the case, then I would just love to think that I had a million dollars in my bank account and have it be true. But no matter how much I think it or tell it to others, it doesn't change the dollar amount of my bank account. So I am going to be brave and blog. And I don't want to blog for any other reason than to sort things out that are in my mind. Sometimes I feel like I miss out on things because a thought or a realization is sucked into my mind and hidden forever by busy schedules, weariness, conflict, etc. So to avoid that, I want to take time to blog and reflect, to capture in writing, the thoughts and feelings that make me Courtney. We'll see how it goes. And even though I wouldn't want anything I blog about to be controversial or disturbing to others, I am prepared that my feelings and honest thoughts may be offensive simply because so many people (like myself) work so hard to cover up the inside of ourselves and live so that others may only see a pretty outside. So raw feelings become wrong, when really, they are just how we feel and things we need to work through. Inside out. I want the inside of me to be out. No matter how it looks, feels, tastes, smells or sounds. (I think that's all the senses). My Nana used to journal everyday about her family, feelings, thoughts, prayers, etc. I wonder how that must have helped her manage things. Honestly expressing herself on paper. And I also wonder if she worried about what she wrote. Probably not. She just wrote. She was Nana. She talked about her kids, her marriage, her life. So in 2007, my journal looks a little different; it's a laptop. I don't use a pen, I use a keyboard. And the paper is this blogspot. But the purpose is most like the same as what my Nana used to do. Reflection. Rejoicing. Times of sadness. Tangled thoughts. Funny moments. They will all be here.